Alternate Title:  “Two People, Too Much Sh*t.”

My husband and I had moved SEVERAL times in the past. The only difference was we had moved less than 10 miles from one expensive apartment to another slightly more expensive (yet newer) apartment.

Packing was a cinch! Here’s how the process went:
1. Get a box. Any box. Doesn’t matter how beat up it is. If it has 6 sides and can be taped up, it’s good go to.

2. Grab a bunch of stuff. Stuff is all around us. Pick it up. Throw it in a box. If you can’t find a box, throw it in a trash bag.

3. Congratulations! Packing is all done.

For this move, here’s how it went (roughly) – and not necessarily in this order:
1. Determine if you’re going to move yourself or hire a mover. Move ourselves – it’s more cost effective. Wait, we have too much sh** for two people to carry. Let’s hire movers. But wait, we have relatives who might be able to help. Let’s move ourselves. No, but I want to take my own car. Let’s hire movers.

2. Look for a reputable moving company. Scour the dubya dubya dubya. Read horror stories. Freak out. Wonder to yourself do you really want to move at all? Freak out about how you’ll never ever see your stuff again. Ever.

3. Get quotes from moving companies. Go through your e-mail and delete, delete, delete 99% of the quotes. Disconnect your phone. Pick your top 2, and throw in a third for sh*ts and giggles.

4. Get an estimate from the movers. After seeing the estimate, again, think to yourself: Do I really want to move? Silently cry to yourself.

5. Take an inventory of what’s going with you and what’s going somewhere else. Everything! Duh!

6. Buy (very expensive) boxes. This is pretty cool. They come all flat and without mailing labels and old tape.

7. Unfold and tape up boxes. This is pretty fun.

20 hours or organizing – Oh what fun it was!

8. Fill up boxes. Realize that since “everything” is going with you, items must be strategically placed like Tetris but starts to look more like an in-progress Jenga game.

9. Run out of boxes and tape. This is the point at which you realize you have too much sh**. Also, you keep in mind that your estimate is based on weight. Hello, Salvation Army?

10. Unload excess sh**. Assess the crap covering the floor. Make two piles: Complete Trash. Another Person’s Trash, er, Treasure.

11. Take inventory of stuff. Twenty or so hours on your feet, moving things, shifting things, tossing things and doing all you can to keep your eyelids open just so you can make sure what leaves here gets there. Boxes are numbered and shut. Good night!

12. Collapse into bed. Wonder to yourself, “Is this what lying down feels like??

13. Wake up two hours later. Remember that the movers are coming and taking everything away. Out of sight and out of mind for a week or so. Hope and pray that you didn’t pack all of your good underwear.

14. Wait for movers to arrive. Feel the anxiety building up. Sh*t’s just starting to get real.

15. Watch movers like a hawk. If anything in box 212 is broken, you’ll note it on Yelp.

Will I ever see you again?

16. Wave bye bye to your stuff. At this point, you don’t even care if you see it all again. Good riddance, bit*hes!

17. Get creative in your nearly completely empty apartment. Sit down where your sofa used to be and watch the TV that used to be there. 

18. Have one last nice dinner with your family members, who were nice enough to save you the $1,000 of towing your car by driving it all the way to your new home. Savor this dinner. You’ll be eating nothing like this in a long, long, long, long time.

Not mentioned in the above list — all of the stress, frustration, fear, anger and tears. Yay. Moving is so much fun.