I tapped on my phone to remind myself what day it is. It’s Thursday, April 23, 2020.

Twenty. Twenty. Perfect vision is 2020. When we said goodbye to 2019 and entered the next decade of the 21st century, I was so filled with hope. We are barely 1/3 of the way through 2020, and it’s been a motherfucking swift kick in the ass.

January: The year started off on a somber note. Barely three weeks in, NBA legend Kobe Bryant was one of 9 who perished in a helicopter crash. I’m no NBA fan. But as someone who is about the same age as Kobe, who has a spouse and kids, I felt a lot of pain as a human being. I felt sad for his wife and three surviving daughters.

February: One morning my kids and I had breakfast with my husband before he went to work. It was such an awesome morning. My husband had been really stressed about work during the holidays, and I naively thought “New year, new ‘beginnings.” The new “beginning” was a different type.

After breakfast, my children and I parted ways with my husband. I can’t recall where we went, but we ended up going home after 1-2 quick stops. I expected my husband to come back home later in the evening, around 7-8 PM. Instead, as I was lounging on the cushy chair in our living room, eyes glued to my phone (as usual), I saw a message from my husband appear.

“I’m coming home early. I wanted to let you know so you wouldn’t be surprised.”

I glanced at the message without much further thought. Then within minutes, the front door unlocked. My husband appeared.

“Are you sick?” I asked. “No,” he replied.

If he wasn’t sick, then that could only mean one thing. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, even though I had a sizable pit in my stomach.

I followed my husband upstairs and asked what happened. Some times I wish I hadn’t.

“I was fired,” he replied.

I wanted to drop and fall to my knees. It’s been a struggle since we moved from out of state. This was like a damn stab to the heart and then some.

Again, I tried to think on the bright side. This would be an opportunity for me to go back to work. I met with a woman with whom I was trying to network with. It seemed fine.

March: A friend messaged me a link to an article about a virus. It was hitting people hard in China. A few weeks later, the first US case was found not too far away from where we live. Little did I know that would be just the beginning.

Within a few short weeks, life as we knew it would change. Suddenly, stores were pretty empty. My son was still going to school, but finally was shut down on Friday, the 20th(?). I can’t recall which Friday. It was supposed to be one of those Spirit Days. The “Bubble Man” was supposed to entertain my son’s class. Instead, I had to tell my son to not bother dressing up. We weren’t going anywhere.

April: The month is not over, but it was a month I’d usually kind of look forward to. My birthday is on the 5th; my son’s is on the 14th. Instead of going out for a nice meal, it was Ubereats and cake for my birthday; homemade spaghetti and cake for my son’s birthday.

Also, my brother-in-law messaged me that he and my sister had put their dog down. He said my sister wasn’t taking it well and to give her some space. I wouldn’t have much contact with her until nearly a month later.

In addition, mandatory stay-at-home orders were extended to May 4 in our state. I am not as glued to the news, so I haven’t heard if that day will be extended. It wouldn’t surprise me, anyway.

What’s changed? A lot:

• It’s recommended that you not leave your home unless it’s for essential reasons
• Masks are recommended any time you’re out and about
• Playgrounds are taped off
• Meetings of groups of 10 or more are prohibited
• Grocery stores have “one-way” aisles
• Finding TP or flour or brown sugar or rice or pasta is like winning the lottery
• Most businesses — except for places like banks and grocery stores — are closed; coffee shops and dining establishments are either closed or open for pick-up only

That’s kind of the ugly side of it. Some positives?

• Pollution in some areas is down. I’ve seen before and after pictures. It’s a pretty remarkable change.
• Animals are starting to roam a little more freely. No more having to dodge traffic to cross the road.
• I kind of get to spend more time with my family. It’s not a big change to me, the lonely SAHM. But even those who are still working must feel it, what it’s like to have no option but to stay at home. Home is not a prison, after all. But it really makes you stop and think: You look around you and for the most part, you’re “Safe at home.”
• Due to being at home a lot more, I’ve been able to kind of catch up on TV shows. I am really enjoying Terrace House on Netflix. It’s a happy and sad reminder that I could have gone to Japan. Maybe it just wasn’t in the cards. Still, it has provided a great escape. I’ve watched two seasons already and started the third today. It’s kind of nice to “Netflix and chill” without having to hang my head down in shame.

It hasn’t been a walk in the clouds. My anxiety is probably at an all-time high. I don’t know when I’ll see my parents, siblings or friends in real life again. Yes, we are Skyping and texting more often than we used to (add that as another bullet). My sister-in-law was supposed to visit us in June. That trip has been canceled.

There continue to be death counts, but also recoveries.

The latest I’ve heard is wondering when we’ll open back up. Yes, that sounds exciting, but it also makes me nervous. Will “normal” be different for now or forever?

Apparently the CDC says a second wave will hit again during the next flu season. And a vaccine is at least a year away.

While this hard re-set sucks, it feels necessary. It feels like a fucking wake-up call to is all — the rich, the poor; the white, the brown. Someone wake me up when it’s over.